Thailand - Do's And Don'ts With Thai Girls
My Credentials
From 1987 to 2002 I dabbled with the girls of Thailand as a tourist, but never got into any serious relationships. In 2003 I went to live in Thailand permanently and got involved with a girl within the first 24 hours after arriving. Crazy, I know, but these things happen.
She was serious about the relationship, but upon first arriving in Thailand the last thing I wanted was to get involved in a relationship. I didn't take the relationship seriously, I wasn't very faithful, and this caused lots of problems. Eventually she left, but not after lying about contraception, deliberately getting pregnant, and giving me lots of grief. She miscarried, which was sad for her, but fortunate for me.
This episode made me very wary of Thai females and after everything finished I was careful about not getting involved again. At around the age of 50 my plan was to retire and spend my time travelling all over the Southeast Asian region enjoying life as a single man.
However, something happened to me that had never happened before. I suddenly started to feel lonely and I no longer enjoyed travelling alone, as I had done all my life.
There was one girl I really had my heart set on, but she wasn't interested. Another girl was very interested in me and I suddenly felt my life running out of time, so I married her. That was in 2010.
We have two great children and there have been many ups and downs. In any heterosexual relationship there are differences in the way that men and women think.
Many foreign men who take Thai wives find girls a lot younger than themselves and a big age gap creates more differences in thinking. My wife is 22 years younger than me.
And then there is the big one - the culture gap. The different value and belief systems and the completely different way of thinking can stretch a relationship to breaking point.
There have been many times when it would have been easier simply to walk away, but my children won't allow me to do that.
Thais tend to be extremely stubborn and if you are stubborn too then the relationship has no chance. You have to eat a lot of humble pie as well as contorting your face while you simultaneously hold your tongue and bite your lip.
As you get more experienced at being married to a Thai female you learn the things that you must, and must never, do or say. Breaking the rules can get you into a lot of trouble and no matter how much experience you have with Western females, Thai females are completely different.
Some of these things may be a little tongue-in-cheek, but there is a serious point to all of them. The list of don'ts is probably easier than the Do's, so this is where I will start.
And here are another couple of don'ts. Don't take this too seriously but also, if you happen to get involved with a Thai female, don't completely ignore these tips. They may be tongue-in-cheek, but there's also a lot of truth in them. Getting involved with Thai girls is playing with fire and you can very easily get your fingers burnt.
Don'ts
Don't Expect Her To Think Like You
Actually, don't expect her to behave like you, to think like you, or to have the same values and beliefs as you.
This is a big one and it's probably the main reason why so many Thai/farang relationships fail.
I once met a farang who was in Thailand to do some speed dating. He attended an event where he met lots of females and spoke with each one for about 15 minutes. His big sales pitch to each girl was that by marrying him she would live in a three-bedroom, semi-detached house in Rochdale, or wherever it was he lived in provincial England.
The local girls in Rochdale may have thought that the ultimate goal in life was to live in a three-bedroom, semi-detached house, but Thai girls simply have no interest.
I made a similar mistake. In my culture nearly all women want a comfortable home most of all in life and I assumed my Thai wife would be the same. I therefore spent a lot of money buying a large house and making it very comfortable. Was she happy? Not really.
Most Thais live lives of complete drudgery spending lots of time at their place of working doing mundane, boring work. Whenever they can they want to go somewhere different to relieve the boredom. This aspect of Thai culture is called Bpai Tiaew.
My wife isn't particularly concerned about the great home I have created for her. Instead, there are times when she is disappointed about the money I spent on the house because now there is less money for Bpai Tiaew. Her values are completely different to mine.
If you get involved with a Thai female there is a tendency to believe that she will have the same values as the females from your own culture. This is a big mistake to make.
Don't Expose Her To The Sun
In Thailand there is nothing uglier than dark skin and nothing more beautiful than fair skin. She spends a significant amount of her income on skin whitening products and countless hours trying to make her skin lighter. Don't throw it all away by insisting that she goes to the beach. Thais think that farangs who intentionally lie in the sun to become darker are insane.
Don't Remind Her Who It Was Who Completely Changed Her Life
Before you met her she was living slightly above the poverty line, riding a motorbike and staying with a friend or relative, or renting the cheapest room she could find. She couldn't afford to travel anywhere or eat in decent restaurants.
Your money changed everything and now she lives a life she never thought imaginable, but already she takes a lot for granted and frequently treats you like crap.
When she does it is very tempting to remind her how her life was before she met you, but don't say anything because you will regret it. Remember, you are the privileged party in this relationship, not her.
Don't Throw Away Her Food
No matter how bad it looks or smells. My wife often makes or buys food for herself. Some will get eaten and the rest will be left in the pot or on a plate, uncovered, unrefrigerated, and open to flies. Sometimes it will be left there for several days.
But whatever you do, never throw it out. I have done this on several occasions because the food looks (and smells) disgusting, but it causes huge problems.
Don't Make Her Walk Anywhere
First, observe how most Thai girls have no sign of any calf muscles. Your typical American outdoorsy girl may love to go on hikes, but not your average Thai girl. Walking will probably involve being outdoors and that is not a good thing because of the risk of being exposed to the sun (see above).
In addition, they simply don't like walking. I have observed Thais taking food to someone else or discarding rubbish 50 yards away and they use a motorbike. They hate walking.
Even if you drive somewhere, don't just park anywhere in the car park. No matter how crowded the car park is, you will always be expected to find a vacant parking space a few yards from the entrance.
If you do drive somewhere, don't expect to park the car in one place and then walk to various places. She will expect to go everywhere in the air-conditioned comfort of a car.
Don't Ignore Her When She Says She's Hungry
Thais have very fixed meal times. They eat breakfast when they wake up, eat lunch at noon and eat dinner at 6pm. If I'm busy or occupied and eat late it doesn't bother me that much, but not my wife. Even if she has to wait half an hour she becomes highly irritable and a Thai female in a bad mood is no fun to be around (it's the same when she is tired).
If she mentions that she is hungry (hiw) drop whatever you are doing immediately, find the nearest street vendor, and buy some som-tum or something. Do not, under any circumstances, allow her to become hungry. car.
Don't Allow Her To Get Too Hot Or Too Cold
Regarding temperature, Thai females have quite a narrow operating range. Below 25°C is decidedly yen and above 35°C is uncomfortably rawn. Either condition will result in her being mai sabaay, and you really don't want that.
Don't Ever Mention That She Has Two Many Clothes
Buying clothes is what Thai girls do, right? Don't forget it.
Don't Deprive Her Of Thai Food If You Take Her Abroad
I took my ex-girlfriend down to Singapore and we hung out with my brother and his expat friends eating mainly Western food. After a couple of days without rice she was climbing the walls.
We had to make an emergency trip to Cold Storage so that she could buy ingredients and make Thai food. She made food for everyone and this went down very well. Thais have a very special relationship with the food they eat and can't go without it for very long.
Don't Be Stingy
Even going back to my first trip to Thailand in 1987 I remember that the bar girls were very fond of the term 'Cheap Charlie' for any farang who was careful with his money.
After all, every single farang has a bottomless pit of money, therefore there is no need to be kee niaow. When you are with a Thai girl she won't spend a single Baht, but she will criticise you when she doesn't think you are being generous enough.
Don't Try To Mess Around Behind Her Back
She will find out. Guaranteed. When my first girlfriend started to visit my apartment she made sure she got friendly with the cleaning and laundry staff. If I ever brought another girl back, the staff would see and they would tell her.
She worked in a salon and had lots of friends who worked in salons around town. Effectively she had a network of spies and she would often tell me where I had been before I told her.
She also checked my mobile phone at every opportunity she had for calls I'd made, calls I'd received and SMS messages. If another girl did call she would have no qualms about calling the girl and warning her off. We are told that Thais are not confrontational, but there are times when they are very confrontational.
Don't Fall In Love Straight Away
Many foreign men who go to Thailand are very vulnerable. I know what life is like for single men of average means over 40 years of age in the West, and it can be a lonely existence.
In Thailand things start to happen that would never happen at home. Young, attractive girls who wouldn't give you the time of day at home suddenly become very interested. It can mess with a man's mind, as well as other parts of his anatomy.
However, the girls are very good at what they do and highly perceptive. They know all your weaknesses and exactly how to exploit them. Many have no money and little education, but somehow they manage to control foreign men who are superior to them in many ways. And they do it easily.
Thais have a term they call jai kairng. Literally, it means 'hard heart' but idiomatically it means to be emotionally tough. The girls will describe the hardships they face in life and will cry frequently, but emotionally you need to be tough with them otherwise they will walk all over you. It's a lot easier said than done.
Don't Ever Believe The Girl You Are Involved With Is Different To The Rest
Every farang who has ever written to me about problems with a Thai girls has told me that this particular one is different to the rest. He is fully aware of the all the problems with Thai girls, but this only applies to other girls because his one is different. No, she isn't.
Don't Invest More Money In Thailand Than You Can Afford To Lose
An old adage, but very true. It's incredibly easy to transfer money into Thailand, but incredibly difficult getting it out. Thai laws are made to always favour Thais, for example, foreigners can't purchase land in Thailand.
If you get involved with a girl she will be very keen for you to buy some property for her - probably in the village where she comes from. You can't buy property in your name, but you can buy it in her name.
There was a video a few years ago (that now seems to have disappeared) of a very naive Welshman who sold everything at home and gave all his money to his Thai girlfriend. The money was then used to improve the pig farm that her family owned in Isaan.
Unfortunately, she didn't love him. She didn't even like him and this became apparent very soon when she simply ignored him. Eventually, he got the message, but he was destitute and didn't even have enough money to buy a plane ticket to go back to Wales.
I've also invested a lot in Thailand, but if I was to lose absolutely everything tomorrow I could still live well.
When you enter into a relationship you want to be able to trust the other person. Trust is extremely important. Unfortunately, with a lot of Thai girls, you can't. This is why you should never rush into things. You need a lot of time to determine whether you can trust her or not. Two weeks in Pattaya, unfortunately, isn't enough time.
Don't Get Involved With Bargirls Or Massage Girls
Yes, you can get intimate with certain Thai girls within an hour of meeting them, and yes, relationships with girls in these professions can work. But it's risky.
As a long term expat it now strikes me how unattractive a lot of these girls are, in addition to being very risky. In my day-to-day life in Thailand I meet girls working in the retail industry who are far more attractive (even girls working in 7-Eleven) and there is far less risk.
Before I was married I made a point of getting to know Thai nurses and teachers. I eventually married a teacher. The problem with girls in these careers is that they spend an awful lot of time at work, however, in the long term they probably make for better partners.
Do's
Do Remember Where You Stand In The Pecking Order
You may support her financially, you may be her husband, and you may even be the father to her children, but you will still be very low on the list of the people who are important to her.
After her mother and father (who are top of the list) come her siblings, other relatives (grandparents, nieces, nephews, etc), your children, and close friends, before eventually getting to you. Your status will be temporarily raised at times when she requires money, but actually you will never be that important.
Thai females will side with Thais who they don't know even against their own husbands or boyfriends, as I have found out on occasions when I have had disagreement with Thais.
In one of SerpentZA's 'Living in China' YouTube videos he says that in China people ask, "If your mother and wife were drowning and you could only save one person, who would you save?"
The 'correct' answer in China is your mother and you can get into a lot of trouble for saying your wife.
It's exactly the same in Thailand. When a girl gets married she doesn't start a new family based around her husband and children. Whenever my wife says 'my family' she is referring to her parents, siblings, nieces and nephews. They are the people who matter to her. They are easily more important than me (by several orders of magnitude) and they even seem to be more important to her than her/our own children.
On one occasion I was taking my family out for dinner and we were almost at the restaurant when my wife's phone rang. After the phone call she asked me if we could go to the restaurant another time. Why?
Her mother had just called to say that she had made kanom jeen the white rice noodles that Thais love. Because her mother had invited her this was now the most important thing in her life - far more important than eating out with her husband and children, and she wasn't concerned about disappointing her husband and kids.
Her mother also treats my wife as a private taxi service and whenever she wants to go anywhere she calls my wife. She has plenty of money and could call a taxi or use a tuk-tuk, but my wife's taxi service is far more convenient and free. Whenever this happens, my wife drops whatever she is doing and goes to collect her mother.
Personally, I think this type of behaviour is disgusting and beyond selfish at times, but this is how it is in Thailand and many other parts of Asia. Filial piety.
Do Remember To Always Provide Her With A TV
Most Thais are completely lost without the idiot lantern and they need to keep up with the latest soap operas and superstar (daa-raa) gossip.
Do Take Her To The Temple To Make Merit
In Thailand you will see all kinds of attachment to, and grasping for, money and material goods. As Buddhism tells Thais, this behaviour will ultimately lead to suffering, but all the sin can be wiped out by going to the temple, performing a few rituals, and donating some money.
Merit making (tum buun) is a big thing in Thailand and by offering to go to the temple to make merit you will score a lot of brownie points.
Do Try To Give The Impression Of Loving Her Family As Much As You Love Her
One Isaan girls I met told me this explicitly. A husband has to love the girl's family as much as he loves her. And of course, there is only one way to prove this in Thailand. Hand over lots of money.
Do Spend Money On Her
When asked if she would have married Donald Trump if he wasn't rich, Melania replied, "Would he have married me if I hadn't been beautiful?"
You aren't with a young, attractive Thai girl because of your film star looks or your charismatic personality. You are there primarily for your ATM capabilities.
Do Try To Empathise With Her
Thai girls haven't got a great reputation with Western men, but they're not all bad. Most live lives of drudgery with no opportunities for a better life and the vast majority of Thai men will not give them a better life.
When an opportunity comes along for a better life in the form of a farang many will be so keen to grasp the opportunity that it may result in somewhat strange, possessive behaviour.
Also, Western men don't have a great reputation with Thai girls. After I got married I discovered that my wife's family were all convinced that I was already married with a family in the UK. They believed it wouldn't be long until I simply disappeared to be reunited with my UK family.
The girls can appear to be very greedy at first, but this is only because they aren't expecting you to stick around and they want to get what they can before you disappear.
Once you have proved to them that you are reliable, their trust in you increases and things get a lot better.
I have met Thai girls who have been treated really badly by farang men. The men form relationships with several girls in different parts of the country and promise the girls everything (marriage, kids, houses) basically to get free sex. These guys don't help the foreign men who are in Thailand looking for genuine relationships.
Do Try To Learn The Language
There are many reasons why you should do this, but I have met and worked with farangs in Thailand who refuse point-blank to learn.
Most Westerners don't like foreigners living permanently in their own countries who don't speak the local language.
By learning to speak a little it will give you a lot more credibility, more independence (don't just be another farang who stands behind his Thai wife while she does all the talking) and if you really want to know how Thais think you need to understand what comes from their mouths.
It's not as difficult as you think. Even the written language, which looks like undecipherable hieroglyphics at first, is quite easy to read at a basic level.
Conclusion
Thai girls aren't always easy to live with, but if you are an ordinary Western male of a certain age think of your alternatives. I thought of my alternatives and decided to leave the UK for a new life in Thailand in 2003.
Life is all about compromise and if you get involved with a Thai girl you have to make lots of compromises, but there are some big benefits too. If you live in Thailand it will be you who is expected to change, not her.
It's not always easy, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Just be careful. There are some quite heartless girls who will have no compunction taking everything you have and leaving you destitute.
Provided that you don't get involved with such a Thai female, and provided that you can adapt a little, a relationship with the right Thai girl can be far more rewarding than any of the other alternatives you have.
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