Thailand - Your Stories: Ken, Australia
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How I Met My Thai Wife
My story..........I was 56yrs old, been on my own for 10yrs with only a dog for company, thought a partner to share life with might be nice. Tried local internet dating sites but the only interest there was from some very overweight middle aged women, not my cup of tea. Even the women my own age were not interested they wanted younger men. looked to the Philippines as many before me had, but being Buddhist decided to check out Thailand.
I put my profile on a website called ThaiKisses and with eager anticipation started scanning through the thousands of available women 40 - 55. There were just too many, after several hours and hundred of views you start getting confused you can't remember which one's you liked, if you can remember you can't find them again. The beauty of this site however is it flags someone who checks out your profile, so I stopped looking and just checked every few days those who had taken a look at me.
There were four profiles I liked the look of so I sent them all messages, one never replied, one replied 4 months later (no doubt when whoever she was chasing at the time got away), one I chatted with very briefly, and the one now my wife, she just somehow seemed right. Maybe it was romantic fantasy, perhaps luck or fate but seems we got it right.
We chatted in ThaiKisses chat room first but it was very slow so switched to MSN. When you make contact and they respond on this site you get the persons information, or at least what they want you see, so I had her phone number, email address etc, and she mine. I was smitten hahaha over the next week or so I watched and waited eagerly for her to come online in MSN, but every time I tried to chat with her she would go offline. Disappointed I concluded she didn't want to talk to me.
I sent her a txt message along the lines: "I'm not a predator if you don't want to talk to me let me know, I will remove you from MSN and not bother you."
Five minutes later she phoned me, I couldn't speak Thai, she couldn't speak much English but we chatted for maybe 5 min's saying hello to each other, hung up and went onto MSN. This was the start of chatting everyday for the next 4 months or so until I was able to get holidays from work and visit.
We chatted daily on MSN, when I was away at work we chatted using txt message's. By the time we actually met we knew each other very well. We stayed online 24/7, chatted for hours each day could see each other on the webcam, show each other round the house, garden, and stuff like that.
I had of course heard the horror stories about Thai women, just wanting a visa, resident permit, citizenship somewhere in the west, after money, you support their entire family etc. my wife never seemed to fit any of these profiles, I never doubted her sincerity. She never asked for money, in fact it took weeks of pestering by me to get her to talk about money, and she didn't want to leave Thailand let alone seeking a visa to somewhere else.
From very early she knew I could not get her a permanent visa or residency in Australia, I'm a Kiwi therefore am in Oz on a temporary resident's visa myself, this did not put her off. At first she didn't want to come to Oz but later decided she would visit for a holiday to see what it was like. She didn't like it but for reasons of us being together she did later return on a temporary residents visa. She's got used to the place now and has spent almost 2 1/2 years in Oz, she still prefers Thailand though.
Money....well I have been very fortunate in this regard, my wife has never really asked for money. When we started chatting some of the early questions went like ........what do you work at? don't work....how do you pay your bills, buy food?.....have some money in the bank. She was very reluctant to talk about money.
When she went shopping she would show me what she had bought. She would show me what she was having for lunch or dinner etc. Not long after we met she started a university short course she used to leave early in the morning and have noddles at uni for breakfast, she would buy dinner on the way home, she always showed me what she had bought.
After about a month she stopped showing me what was for dinner. When asked what she was having she would laugh and say coffee. I began to suspect she had run of of money. I raised the question of money several times but she would ignore the question and change the subject. This went on for some weeks until one day I just kept taking the conversation back to the money questions.
I could see (web cam) she was embarrassed, but she finally told me 'bank account almost empty'. I offered and soon started sending $200 each fortnight. She used to email me a sort of statement listing what she had used the money for, until I told her to stop, I trusted her it was unnecessary. We don't support any family members except her son who lives with her sister, but he's part of our family anyway, and to me he's my son too now.
In the early days of our relationship she did give away perhaps a $1000 over several months, this went to a friend of her's, having a baby, no money, no b/f etc. At the time it did cause a bit of strife, not because she gave away the money, but because she didn't talk to me about it. We discuss this sort of stuff now and it's never an issue, it usually me that suggests helping now.
Most Thai seem to think all farang are rich, no matter what I said my wife never believed otherwise until she came to Oz, then shock horror at the prices. At first she wouldn't buy anything, to expensive she said, but we have to eat said I. She now knows and accepts most of us farang are not millionaires but interestingly her friends still seem to think so, no matter what she says to them.
We have been married almost 4 years, have a 2 1/2 year old son. Why has it worked for us when so many fail (80% I believe)? Not sure but I think a lot has to do with my setting out to learn Thai culture and behave appropriately. If you can't accept Thai/Buddhist karma/merit system and the generosity that goes with it your gonna be in trouble. Thai are also very proud of their country, culture and Buddhism and so they should be.
My wife has also made changes too, we can now talk about any and all things, my wife gives her opinion, actively discusses things with me, and shares her thoughts, (she used to just give me the silent treatment when she disagreed). Compromise, understanding, cultural awareness has I think contributed to our happy relationship together.
Failures With Farang/Thai Relationships
Why do most Thai/Farang relationships fail? I have read the failure rate is as high as 80%, hooking up with a bar girl has obvious risks, as does the 70yr old Farang with a 20 yr old Thai girl. In general though I think it is the often rather arrogant disregard of Thai culture, Thailand and Buddhism. Thai are very proud of who they are, their country and culture and so they should be.
Thailand, like much of Asia has had some form of civilization for thousands of years, different to the west but civilized never the less. They were civilised when we were still running around in animal skins collecting berries in the forest yet we (westerner's) rather arrogantly assume to be better and adopt a superior attitude.
Most of the men heading for Thailand have little idea of Thai culture and make little effort by way of preparation. The general impression seems to be of corruption and scams everywhere, cheap booze, cheap sex, impression all Thai women are like the bar girls. When I'm asked about Thailand the first thing I tell people is to ignore what they think they know, it is almost certainly wrong.
I have met quite a number of people who have been to Thailand for holiday's, including males who have done the sex holiday thingy. They return home from their 2 weeks in Pattaya, Khao San Road or Phuket thinking they have experienced Thailand and Thai culture. Assumption's are made from their experience or what they've seen that most Thai women must be like the bar girls. The legend is born and perpetuated in the stories they then tell when they get home. This would be like comparing Australian women to the Kalgoorlie skimpy bar maids (they work almost naked and usually easy going about sex).
Waiting in airport departure lounges I have seen Farang with their Thai wives/girlfriends touching/kissing in public, using their foot to push something over to their partner, patting Thai children on the head etc. this stuff is a clearly proclaimed NO NO on the first page of every guide book, it's kindy level Thai culture yet it is surprisingly common to see.
The importance of family, children, friends etc. Making merit also vitally important, generousness is a virtue, Thai will give to friends, family, the Temple where ever there is a need without much hesitation without regard for a return, none being expected nor required you give what you can. ignore at your peril.
Generally I have noticed those whose relationship has failed tend to display a superior attitude, west is best Thai should adapt, they are doing the Thai girl a huge favor for which she should be eternally grateful. These guys usually seem to have very little understanding of the culture their knowledge being almost superficial, little more than the sort of stuff the tourist knows and they show little interest in learning.